Monday, November 30, 2009

Stuck In Decision

All is not right in my world, yet there is nothing wrong. While I have everything I could possibly need, something is missing. My motivation is waning, the pressure is building and though there is no real danger looming, there is trepidation… over nothing and everything. Time is short, but enough remains. It is not a matter of whether or when or even if, the responsibilities will be met, but it is a question of what, and often, why. What is it I seek? Where can it be found? How will I know?

No matter how much knowledge I acquire or how much experience I log or how much life I live those questions still remain, more or less prominently. Obviously, now they are more prominent and the timing is at least a little bit curious. Currently I am at the end of another semester replete with all it entails; I am less than one week away from yet another birthday; each of my distinct and largely separated worlds are undergoing profound, though certainly not “bad” changes; and I am inexplicably drained.

But the needed impetus is with me; I will succeed in the tasks assigned. Time is short, but it is a familiar working place for me - uncomfortable, sometimes painful, but familiar. Even that looming, gnawing feeling that something is missing is one I have grown accustomed to. It can (and probably will) be a motivating force, but at the moment it is keeping me in a holding pattern. Soon enough the fear of missing something because I moved ahead will be replaced by the fear of missing something because I didn’t. And it very well could be that all this profound questioning of the unanswerable is representative of the transition.

Or not. Regardless, it has been quite a little while since I have felt like I was walking this path alone – but it is a fact. Again, not a bad or good thing, it takes a firm assessment of all other circumstances to make that kind of value judgment. But it does feel more than appropriate – it feels necessary. The near and intermediate future is promising but in many respects, solitary. In many other respects, however, I am decidedly not alone. It’s that duality, again, that has me spinning my wheels - not wanting to move, but anxious to get going. One thing is absolutely sure – stagnation is not part of the story.


Anonymous said...

Hey champ...oh yes the familiar feelings of another close of a semester. The phrase sucks but, "You are exactly where you are supposed to be". There is a reason why only 10 % of the country have a Graduate Degee..Its frickin hard!! You are so close, great job, the rest is down hill.

Love Ya,
Mark G.

elle said...

I've been grappling with the questions lately, too, which is odd in timing because neither of us are graduating in the next two weeks or anything, the decision time is not upon us, but I feel connected to what you are saying here! Happy, but confused, but stuck, but free...
The only conclusion I can come to is to be happy in the middle of the scale, happy not to be tipped to the badside.
And also maybe you make that decaf into a caf, cos a little caffeine is increasingly necessary. :)

Belizegial said...

LOL, I like Elle's take on it. I agree caffeiene adds a nice coating to everyday

Someone on another blog referred to what you are feeling as SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) or something to that effect.

I hope it wears off soon and that your end of semester year brightens up somewhat.

Hang in there and keep safe, keep writing.

VV said...

Beginnings, endings, change, it's amazing how they affect our moods. I'm reminded of R.E.M. - "it's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine." Sometimes with the inevitable, you just take a deep breath and go with it. As you said, stagnation is not an option.