Last night marked the end of my third year of graduate study
at Louisiana State University. It also represented my worst performance to date
since going back to school in fall 2003. With the exception of just two
semesters, I have been a full time student since then – a total of exactly 10
years of full-time college now under my belt. Along the way I have earned a BA
in government-journalism and an MA in communication studies, both at California
State University, Sacramento. Although my performance and dedication throughout
the entire span has been ebbed and flowed, it has never been as poor as this
past semester. Ironically, the coursework I was enrolled in was not even
required – I finished my required coursework last fall. In other words, these
courses that I performed so dismally in were my choice. I made that choice for
a few reasons, but key among them was that they are both subjects that interest
me.
Those who are familiar with my journey know that there has
been nothing “normal” about my three years at LSU. That is true even
considering that there is little normal about doctoral study at any
legitimately accredited university. Just getting accepted was a feat I never
thought possible, but managing to balance the teaching and the study along with
my “other” life proved to be quite a trick. At first, that “other” life, the
one I still had back in Sacramento, was beneficial. It held a supportive,
energizing function. It gave me more to look forward to than just a PhD. But
that life started to fall apart almost immediately and what was, briefly, a
support system became a major distraction.
Over the rest of that first year and all of my second year
in Baton Rouge, I was a commuter. I returned to Sacramento on average every three to six weeks, spending anywhere from three or four days to several weeks
over the summer and winter breaks. I thought that if the distance between my
two lives was the problem, then my presence would be the solution. Not only was
the distance not the problem, but commuting so often was creating more
problems in other areas. One of them was my attention to my work at LSU. But I
still managed to get through, losing sleep and sometimes my sanity trying to
keep two extremely heavy loads balanced. It could not be done.
Yesterday also marks the end of my first school year at LSU
in which I have been a full-time resident.
That “other” life in Sacramento went through a major disruptive
metamorphosis and the fallout continues to this very moment. While the
day-to-day, hour-to-hour and even minute-to-minute distractive power has been
eliminated, the negative aura, the residue, the intermittent but persistent
invasion of my serenity and my psyche is still very much present. I have been claiming that I am stricken with plain old-fashioned burnout, but I think that is much too
simplistic. I’d go along with burnout, but it has to be more of an overall
physic variety rather than just being tired of being a student.
Looking at my situation from the outside, it could not be
better. I am free of a toxic relationship that almost killed my academic
career. I am in much better shape financially than I have been in many years. I
have established a network of friends in Baton Rouge that I have much in common with. I have a
beautiful house to live in and I am on the verge of completing something few do
(and that means a lot to me, despite my recent claims that it no longer does).
And yet, my attention span, my perseverance, my dedication and my ability to
think deeply or at length is lower than I can remember it ever being. Grades do not get posted for another 48 hours
or so. This is the very first semester that I do not know if my work was good
enough. Seriously. Grad school grades and grading is not like undergrad, the
professors have much more latitude in determining how a student’s performance
is assessed and codified. It is entirely subjective. I hope that I have shown
that I benefited from these two courses, that my efforts are worthy of passing
grades. If not, I will have to formulate and implement a “Plan B,” because
right now all of my eggs are in this one basket.
If I make it past this milestone, some things will change in
a significant way. First, I will no longer be sitting in a classroom as a
student – my coursework, as far as this degree is concerned, is finished. Second,
I will not be returning to Sacramento, to home, to what is left of my “other”
life at all this summer. I will be living in Baton Rouge, teaching at LSU and studying for the
next extremely high hurdle between my degree and me – 15 hours of comprehensive
examinations. Everyone says I can do it, and although I believe it is not
beyond my capabilities, if my level
of dedication and perseverance does not improve, it will be beyond my reach. I
am banking on this shift in focus in my graduate work to bring about a similar
shift to a focus on it. When all your eggs are in the same basket, that basket must
not break.