Time Will Tell

For a while, since my ill-advised marriage was history at least, I’ve felt pretty secure with who I am, where I am and, overall, I have been optimistic about the future, about where I am going. Lately, however, there has been some wear in the fabric of my life. Not rips or tears yet (been there, not anxious to go back), but the stresses can propagate if not addressed. And there are some unaddressed stresses. Some I can identify, are temporary and will, with time, resolve themselves. They require no action, no plan. There are others, however, that I am not sure of, what their source or nature is and, as a result, I have no idea what to address, let alone how. What that adds up to is dread. I’ve felt it before. Sometimes that feeling of impending doom is impending doom; sometimes when it feels like something just ain’t right it is because something just ain’t right.

At this point, it’s just a feeling – it has no tangible source. It could be the weather and being “cooped up” this long without significant deviation. We need the rain, we welcome the rain, but in California we are not used to it raining this much this long. It might be that those temporary self-righting issues are not self-righting fast enough. But that is not likely; I know that by the end of this year – likely much sooner, and barring anything unexpected – life will get much less complicated. But the build-up, the tension and the stress could be having an unconscious effect.

All this leaves me feeling unsure about almost everything. If I was so unencumbered, if I was without responsibility, if I could, I would just go. I’d get on my bike and leave it all in my rear-view mirror. But that is not who I am today, I don’t run. Okay, I guess I do know who I am. I also have this job - a career - that I enjoy more than any other I’ve ever had, and I have had a few. It pays pretty well, but I’ve made more money. It’s got a lot of independence, but not as much as no job would. It gives me great satisfaction and is an integral part of who I am. I look forward to it and will until I am ready to stop working sometime in my early 60s. Okay, I guess in that respect I am pretty optimistic about the future, about where I am going.

With the exception of the time I spent away in Baton Rouge working on (and failing to earn) a Ph.D., I have lived in the same place - about 15 years. I have owned the same house for almost 14 years and lived in it most of that time. These are the deepest roots I’ve ever had except for when I was a kid. And even that “record” is close to falling. I almost stayed away when I was in Baton Rouge, but there was something calling me back – I felt I needed to be in the west – maybe not Sacramento, maybe not even California, but my calling was definitely to the west. I’ve been back nearly four years now. Prior to that, I rented my house out for less than two years and before that I “commuted” to Baton Rouge and LSU.

During that time, a lot of bridges were burnt. Some of those fires I lit and some were set by others. What drew me back to Sacramento was a combination of a few good friends, a home and the job opportunity that has become my career. That’s it – had it not been for just those things, I would have had no problem living anywhere else west of the Rockies. Someday, the only thing holding me here will be a few good friends, and that won’t be enough. Without the additional ties of this particular home and my career, I’ll have the freedom to come and go as I please. As much as I love my job and embrace how it defines me, I am very much working toward retirement – I will have no trouble “keeping busy.”

That leaves me where I am. I am here, trying to navigate this world the best I can. I’ve been doing a pretty good job these past few years, but like anything else, there is always room for improvement. I try to stay in my own lane. That doesn’t mean I don’t make observations, make evaluations and form opinions – everyone does, there is nothing inherently wrong with discernment (some people derogatorily call it judgement, so be it). But I don’t insert myself or impose my way in others’ lives, it’s not my business or my place. I also do not take kindly to anyone imposing their way on me. In that respect I don’t have to be right or wrong – no one does. To each his or her own, we reap whatever we sow. I am lucky to have what I do, but none of it is worth giving up my sanity.

So where am I? What does it all mean? Fuck if I know. Those are damned good questions. Time will tell.

Intention

I ventured down an Internet rabbit hole this morning; I spent a couple of hours there. It happens from time to time – one link leads to another and that one leads to another… and another, and another. This time, however, I was venturing into not only places I’d been before, they were actually places I created and I created them out of the cyber version of thin air. Furthermore, this particular rabbit hole is old, by Internet standards, dating from late 2005 and early 2006. The venture also took my into my own local archives to things I created more than a decade ago. Some are more recent, they have been updated and revisited, but all of their roots go back to around 15 years ago. That rabbit hole was a blog, my blog, called The 25 Year Plan and it was one of my first entries there in January 2006 that got me started. Full disclosure and as much as I hate to admit it, Facebook’s “Memories” app took me there.

I wrote the post referenced on Facebook on this day 10 years ago. All I linked was the URL for my blog, so, curious, I looked it up; it was titled, “Awakening.” That post linked one I wrote in January 2006 titled, “Five Years.” And that led to the rest of January, February, March and part of April, 2006.” I got sucked into my own blog, the vast majority of which was my own writing and, of course, it had to be my most prolific year, posting some 158 separate entries and actively participating in the conversation resulting from them in the comments section. I had, it seems, something to say about everything… and a lot of it was good.

But certainly not all of it. I am absolutely embarrassed by some of the pabulum I wrote. Delete it? No way. It is part of the journey, part of what I had to do – and reflect upon years later – to understand who I am and what is and is not important. And even things that fall into the “is not” category have some value even if that value cannot be counted amongst the beautiful. Life, as art, is indeed a journey and sometimes the saccharin, sometimes the juvenile, sometimes in inane must be counted in with the profound, the beautiful and the important. Art, maybe, cannot be art without the anti-art.

My dad once suggested that I compile my blog and turn it into a book. He thought (some of it) was/is that good. I don’t believe he was blowing smoke up my ass as parents are wont to do, I believe he meant it, but I believed it because by that time I also believed it. By that time I knew I could write and I knew I could write well; I had embraced this talent I didn’t really want (I wanted a different one), and I knew I had a voice and something to say. I even started to compile and edit these first of my posts to make them more “bookish” rather than just a collection of essays. That initial attempt is still languishing in my electronic files along with two other unfinished books. These three books, one novel, one memoir and the “Book of the Blog” are all projects I intend to finish. That does not mean they ever will be, but the potential is there. I have tangible beginnings to all three.

In the beginning of this now 15 year adventure into life, I was, in a very literal sense, beginning anew. I spent too many of my years existing, blowing where life took me, without any real intention at all. For reasons that are not important now, in the beginning there were some key elements of my life I kept hidden. In the last few years, those elements are no longer “secret,” though there are some forums where I would not volunteer it, mostly because it would not be pertinent; it would not be something that would just “come up.”  The key to those key elements was the fact that I was coming out of all the insanity that comes with active drug addiction. At the end, a lot of really big shit went down really fast and it damned near killed me. In fact, That’s what “Five Years” was about, though I left out the drugs part of it. However, in that story and many I have written since, those who knew where I’d been, knew.

Today I have 14 years, five months, four weeks and one day free from any mind or mood altering substances. This is my second attempt. My first began in March of 2003. I made it about nine months before thinking I was cured and tried to use drugs “recreationally” again. The truth is I never used drugs – or alcohol – recreationally. However, that was the beginning of the beginning and after running into the same old bullshit I had escaped for nine months, I went back to jail on August 6^th, 2004, the end of the beginning. I almost died in a wreck on October 17^th, 2000 (the topic of “Five Years”) – the beginning of the end. Ever since August of 2004, I have been actively living my life.

I can easily point to the benefits – these very words are an example. The bigger part of the picture is not how much better my life is, but in how I not only don’t take from others and society in general, I actually contribute – and paying my taxes is only a small part of that. Even after living the life I have these past many years, it is not lost on me how close I came to the end and, even surviving that, how much different it good have been. One more act of defiance, one more self-centered decision, one more lapse of judgement could have changed everything for not only me, but for too many others, too. For the past many I years I have been living my life with intention. It makes all the difference.

Transactional Friends

I've been thinking, lately, about the nature of friendships and how they evolve. I'll begin by acknowledging that friendship relationships do change and evolve over time - I'd bet that very few of us have the same closest friends at the end of our lives than we did at the beginning. Even when moving the starting line up to a more stable age - say, 25 years old - the closest friends we had then are not the same as they are at 50 or 75 or older. That's just the way life seems to go, at least in this day and age. If we have one or two friends that close over that many years, it is rare indeed. It is why, I believe, couples who are married that long are in fact each other's closest (or best) friend.

Granting all that, there are other friendships that seem to come and go much faster. While the time frame for closeness to develop is still measured not in weeks or months, but years, they are still, relative to a lifetime of years, a "flash in the pan." The develop, get "real," and fade away in a matter of five, maybe 10 years. I'm not talking about the kinds of friends who become distant due to other circumstances (geography, often), but remain close no matter what. I have a few old friends with whom I do not speak with regularly or see often, but are still just as close. I'm talking about those that seem to just dissolve. I've experienced some of that dissolution of late and I am somewhat confused as to why.

We all grow and change throughout our lives, but if we are authentic, we are still essentially the same person we have always been. There are, of course, some huge exceptions to that generality, and the process of recovery from addiction/alcoholism and many other destructive "isms," disorders, diseases and the like can result in tremendous change in who we are. That is my story and it is the story so many I know, many of whom are friends... or were.

                  This is where it gets a little sticky. Have I changed? Or have they? Or is it something else. I believe that since five years clean (probably longer), I am essentially the same person. In fact, I'd say that "deep down" I always have been, but the drugs presented a different person when judged by my actions. Fair enough, but that cloak has been gone a long time now. It has been around 10 years now that what you see is what you get. It is easily long enough to say reliability and consistency is among those things that defines who I am.

                  I'd also recognize that everyone comes with a different history and everyone's path is different. I have heard words to the effect among some people that they have "outgrown" others, that they are on a different (higher) spiritual plane. Perhaps that is true. Maybe I got stuck in the spiritual gutter, spinning my spiritual wheels and watching the nonjudgemental spiritual high-roaders grade my spirituality (or lack thereof) through inclusion and exclusion. Pretty fucking spiritual, huh?

                  Anyway, file this rant under the "if the shoe fits, lace that bitch up and wear it" category. If it does not, it's not about you. No judgements here (a lie, of course, but at least I'm aware of and honest about it). I'm just living my life. I don't have time for "transactional" friends.

Moments, Part Deux

There was a short but distinct period of time in my life that began a few months before this picture and ended about five years ago. There were many moments where it looked good, and in certain respects it was good, but an underlying reality, an "alternate truth" was still hiding in the shadows. All relationships are built on trust and the one I was in had none. It was only a matter of time before it would crumble and fall.

Even at this early time seven years ago, the signs were there. But I was committed, convinced that we had "love" and that love would conquer all. Stupid clichés like "love is all you need," would drive my commitment forward long past the numerous and less painful exits along the way. I am here to say, in no uncertain terms, that love is not now nor has it ever been enough. Without trust, respect, selflessness, empathy, compassion, concern and a host of other very real principles, love cannot work its magic.

My family and my friends - everyone - recognized the signs. I did, too, but I hung on to that stupid rationalization that love would save the day. Everyone included me, but I ignored the signs until way later in the game. Yes, game, because love without all that other stuff is a game complete with winners and losers. But even though they all saw what I justified away, everyone stuck with me. It is as though they were putting their faith into this idea that love was enough, too. And, it is romantic, right? Everyone loves a good love story - the beating of all odds so that in the end two "soul mates" find each other in each other. Please...

It doesn't work that way. Love takes work and it takes a certain level of character such that the partners can absolutely, without question count on each other. Love, like life itself, is not a game.

Today, and for some time now, I have that relationship in which we trust each other implicitly. Christine is not only my lover, she is also my partner and my best friend. We do not "complete" each other, we don't even "need" each other. Each of us is perfectly capable of navigating life without a partner. However, we found each other when we were each ready, each with our past experiences, past failures and lessons that, for us, apparently, had to be learned the hard way. The benefits of embarking on this journey together midway through our lives are numerous; perhaps the most profound is that any sense of urgency to get or be somewhere is not in the equation. We are, very much, living in the moment.

I was leery. I'm pretty sure my family and friends were, too. After what happened last time, what was I thinking? Well, simply, the answer is that, more than anything else, this time I was thinking. Maybe too much, but I had to be sure. One of Christine's favorite stories is about our first coffee date and how long it took us (me) to get to just that. It is true, I was not at all sure I wanted to get messed up in another relationship and I already knew that I liked her. We have much in common, we see the world in a very similar way and as that first date turned into many more, I learned that we have those characteristics necessary for love to succeed. And while everything else can be developed, my experience is that love itself cannot be "created." It is either there or it is not.

But it is also not enough. So, with all my analytical powers, along with the love came to be, I cautiously entered into this relationship. She says she was sure before I was, but she also did "investigate" me. She asked our mutual friends about me, about my character. Although we approached it in different ways, we both did our due diligence. We both had to be sure. And to this very day, we are in no hurry. We are living in the moment. This picture of my three boys playing ball on Christmas Eve seven years ago epitomizes that. While the storm was coming, at that moment, all was perfect. Today, that perfection is much more than momentary.

Inevitible Inequities

I don’t use this new/old keyboard often. However, I do break it out when I am going to do some writing. Not just any writing, but the kind of writing that is spawned from a concerted effort to get my thoughts out, to put them down on paper, even if it is paper’s virtual equivalent and typed out on a retro Bluetooth keyboard. Real writing that comes from a very distinct, yet ethereal place. It is the kind of writing I once made space for regularly; once a habit, a hobby, a pastime, it is now more often intention without realization. Thoughts that are worth exploring get put aside to sometime later that will never come. They evaporate back into the fog, never taking the same form again.

I write about all sorts of things all the time. I am usually “prompted” by something, some stimulus. Often, probably too often, it is in the form of an interjection on a Facebook post or, also often, some “controversial” post of my own. These things are usually in response to something else, and more often than not that something else has to do with politics, government or societal structures. While important topics to be sure, the platform does not lend itself to any really deep discussion, though I do try. Typically, however, if comments and/or posts are longer than a typical “soundbite,” they are ignored.

This piece will be placed on my blog, The 25 Year Plan, as my 11^th post this year. Considering I posted 158 and 132 posts in 2006 and 2007, respectively, this is a very low number. However, compared to the last five years, it is about average and, compared to 2012 (just six entries), it is a banner year. That was an interesting year, and not in a good way, though there were some good moments. This blog, this online journal of “Perspective, Purpose and Opinion” celebrated its 13^th birthday two days ago. I knew I started it around this time of year, but I did not realize until just now that my “blogoversary” had passed. In most of those 13 years, I have written some sort of year-end reflection. It has taken different forms over the years, and some years – like 2012 – there was none, but a quick review of my reviews has proven somewhat profound.

When I started this thing, I was just emerging from a pretty dark place in my life. In December, 2005, I had just a little more than one year clean from all mind and mood affecting drugs – alcohol included. I was back in school, doing better than I ever had and life was good. Just a year prior, though I had no desire to write about my life and no blog to post it in anyway, I remember where I was – clean just a few months and freshly out of jail, again. I had pissed away nine months of clean-time (and success) the year before and was, one more time, in the early phases of recovery. Things were not going well, life was not very rosy and I came very close to going back to what I knew would make me not care. I was at “Fuck This!” many times and on New Year’s Eve of 2004, all by myself and alone in the world, I came very close to going back to the devil I knew.

But I did not get any drugs and I did not drink. I went home and went to bed hating my life. From August 2004 to that day, there was not a single day that was “good.” I was surviving and I was doing it without any drugs to numb the pain and make me not care. Sometime in the beginning of 2005, things started to change. I went back to school at the local community college and managed to accomplish some things. By the time my one-year clean anniversary came around, I was a junior at the California State University, Sacramento and on my way to earning a BA in government-journalism. And I was writing – a lot. Eventually, an internship at a local newspaper gave me the opportunity to get reacquainted with a talent I’d abandoned more than 20 years prior. I was writing a lot and taking my camera everywhere I went.

And I was staying clean. All the success that had eluded me for years and years, success I knew I was able to achieve, but just couldn’t, was finally coming. For the longest time I was waiting for the other show to drop. I mean, it had to – the bottom always fell out from under me. It was my curse, or so I thought. However, after a few years that were my “best year ever,” I started to believe that the curse was lifted along with my drug use. Indeed, I started to recognize that they were one and the same. True, there were ups and downs and unexpected challenges, the inevitable inequities of life popped up from time to time, but never was anything enough to derail me. I was on a roll…

But despite my good fortune and the work I had done to make all that happen, I am still capable of making bad decisions. In 2012 I made one of the worst decisions (though, still not the worst) of my life. The fallout from it would be prevalent and palpable for at least two or three years. In some respects, it is still falling out, but on a day-to-day basis, it is nothing but occasional and infrequent background noise. However, my 2013 and 2014 were decidedly not my “best year ever.” The other shoe, it would appear, had dropped. But the blow did not derail me. I had, by that point, built a foundation that could weather that and other storms. Did I take a hit? Damned right I did, but I was not a victim – I was solely responsible for the foreseeable and foreseen predicament I found myself in.

By the end of 2015 I was 11 yeas clean, had earned my Bachelor of Arts and my Master of Arts at CSUS and was a doctoral candidate – a dissertation away - from a PhD at Louisiana State University. For reasons that cannot be easily quantified, I never did that dissertation and left LSU with another MA. Failure, to be sure, but a failure that saw a lot of success along the way. I made the final decision to abandon the PhD before my coursework for another MA “timed-out.” I knew there would be times that I’d regret that decision, and I have, but I am also in a place in my life that is supremely satisfying. Hindsight has shown it was and is still the right decision for me. That mistake in 2012 was an ill-fated and short-lived marriage and it surely played a part, but there was much more than just that. And while I do not believe in “destiny,” or any other preordained reality, I do believe that I gravitated to what serves me best. Part of what I thought that would look like is being single for the rest of my life. I not only accepted that reality, I liked it.

That did not come to pass, however, and my current relationship – now more than two years old – is far and away the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. Christine and I have been living together – along with some of our kids – for six months. Amazing as it sounds (even to me, still), there have been no problems. We have been hit with some of the inevitable inequities of life, but we have adapted and persevered. Most recently, my youngest son was involved in a very serious motorcycle wreck, one he is still rehabilitating from – and that is a situation that will be ongoing for some time to come. We are dealing with it. My girlfriend’s youngest daughter is autistic – and brilliant. She is getting ready to go to college and Christine is a little stressed. And we are dealing with it.

While Christine has her life and I have mine – and our kids have theirs, too – we are also now part of the great big same thing and we do that together. Even with all the inequities… this year has been a very good year. And we are dealing with that, too.

Rogue Industry

Eighteen years, one month and three days ago I was involved in a serious accident that put me in the hospital for an extended period of time. My middle son, Timmy, was with me and 13 at the time – my youngest, Matthew, was 11 and at home. While this is not about that, part of that story must be told. I was driving a Jeep Cherokee, fell asleep at the wheel and drifted into the path of an oncoming logging truck. The impact was violent and, fortunately, my son sustained only minor physical injuries. Again, that was 18 years, one month and three days ago – almost to the minute – as I write this. My injuries were many, but the long-term recovery was a result of the major bone trauma I sustained. At this time 18 years ago, I was just being brought out of a medically induced coma – it would be a few days before I was fully conscious. I spent a total of three months hospitalized.

I have three boys. Not surprisingly, each has dealt with serious injury in the past. I have done the hospital vigil – I’d say most parents can relate to it in some form or fashion. It goes with the job. However, the one I put my parents through – at the age of 37 (I turned 38 in the hospital) was a doozy. I actually got a small taste of what that must’ve been like about 10 years ago when my middle son – the same one who was in my accident with me – was a passenger in a car that was also in a serious accident. That time he was not as lucky, sustained numerous cuts and significant bone trauma to his right arm, an arm that is still not 100 percent.

Fast forward to one week ago. My youngest son – the one who escaped all injury from my accident because he stayed at home – was involved in a major accident on his motorcycle. He turned 29 just last month and while he has not been injury free in the intervening 18 plus years, he has not endured anything one might call “serious.” On his way home from work last Tuesday, a driver unexpectedly turned left in front of him. My kid hit that car at or near the speed limit of 45 mph. He had the right-of-way, he was not at fault and although the car sustained enough damage to probably declare it a total loss, the driver of that car walked away with no injuries, My kid has not walked since.

But he will survive. Of course his injuries are serious and they will take a long time to rehab through, but he is very healthy and extremely motivated. He was wearing a good helmet and sustained no head injuries. These are all very good things, but the overall situation is not “good.” My son is not “okay.” He is fucked up and it is largely up to him to un-fuck himself – physically. He knows that. He’s up for it. His attitude is surprisingly good most of the time and when it is less so, it is due to a bout of intense, but temporary, pain. I’ve been there, I have not forgotten. But due to this accident which was not his fault, he is also fucked-up in other ways. Those things have to do with the intricacies of care, medical insurance, auto insurance and the labyrinth that is designed to put as much financial strain of the patient or victim as possible. In that respect, things have not improved in the last 18 years. Indeed, things have gotten worse.

Here is where I step up on my soapbox.

When it comes to Matt or any of my kids, I am well-equipped to help them fight on multiple bureaucratic, faceless and soulless fronts. I know how to effect change on a discrete and local level – to some extent I already have advocated and won on my son’s behalf. It wasn’t even all that hard to do. But as good as I am at winning arguments (and it sure doesn’t hurt being right), I do not have the skill or knowledge necessary to navigate the complexities and the legalese of the insurance game. For that we will likely need a lawyer – if there is a big payoff (there might be), lawyers will take the case on a “contingency” basis. They don’t get paid unless we win – usually around 30 percent of the payoff. If we won $100 thousand, we would get $70 thousand. In other words, the lawyer would get $30 thousand for knowing what to say and who to say it to – and for being a lawyer while saying it. The other option is to pay a retainer - to "hire" a lawyer to deal with the bureaucratic morass.

Here is the systemic problem with all of that. There is no reason why insurances need be so complicated that it takes a lawyer to navigate even simple cases. Timmy won a sizable settlement in his case, but it took a sizable contingency to win it. Matt might, too, although the rules have changed and guess whose favor they changed for? The money the insurance industry infuses into politics is truly staggering. Their lobbyists write the laws that are then voted on by those they put into office. Nothing new? Probably, but they get away with it for a number of reasons – foremost among them is that they write their own regulations. Why do we let them?

Because there is no critical mass. Most people don’t have to experience the seriousness that I or Matt do. And for less serious cases, the potential compensation is not worth the fight to get it. Also, even if the odds catch up to enough people – if indeed most people end up experiencing the devastation of a significant event in their lives, it rarely happens all at once – the outrage necessary for a popular uprising never occurs. The exceptions are when mass disasters hit – fires, floods, earthquakes, etc., but even then the insurance company juggernaut stands firm. And we let it.

 

It is time. It is time we get simple, easy to understand, easy to use and easy to collect on insurance. Look at any large city in the US. The one common factor is that the largest buildings are named for insurance companies. They are not hurting; we are.