I am spending part of my afternoon in my favorite coffee shop just watching the world go by. It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon -if a little breezy and chilly (for Sacramento, chilly is the mid 50s). At the moment, I really don’t have a care in the world. Life is good.
Relaxing has traditionally been a challenge for me. If I wasn’t thinking about what I should be doing, I’d be thinking about what I have done, what I have not done or what I should’ve done. Past, future… never present. So I am grateful just to be able to sit here as the letters cascade onto my iBook’s screen and just be. In reality, I’m not writing about much of anything but rather, just translating what I feel into words.
The path that delivered me to this very spot, this moment was indeed a long and winding road and not without it’s share of bumps, detours and dead-ends. As I review this endeavor which is my life thus far, I do not feel regret. I have been graced with what I may not deserve and been granted mercy in that I did not experience some of which I surely do. Life will again become a very busy place for me very shortly, but for now I can cherish this moment.
As I will the next, for it is all there is to work with. If I am not positively excited about where I am right now, I am only cheating myself. My serenity is my responsibility. This is my obligation to myself, one I did not honor or take seriously at all until I was well into my life. Perhaps it is a function of maturity or that experience at some point will bring about an awakening of the spirit. Somewhere along the way life became worth living, not again, but period.
This may come as a shock to those close to me. In fact, I could see where some may even take offense at this. My family, especially my kids might think to themselves “what am I, chopped liver?” No, you’re not. I just never quite understood what life was all about; never really knew who I was and did what I thought I was supposed to do never really understanding why. It was nobody’s fault and it sure doesn’t minimize one iota what those loved ones mean to me. Actually, my awareness allows me to appreciate them all the more.
The plain and simple fact is just this and nothing more: Unless and until I can know and accept myself in this brief instance in time and cherish it like the once in a lifetime occurrence that it is, I will find no peace. I can’t be ok tomorrow and I can’t change yesterday. But now, right now – I am at peace.