Sunday, January 22, 2006

Inner Peace

I am spending part of my afternoon in my favorite coffee shop just watching the world go by. It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon -if a little breezy and chilly (for Sacramento, chilly is the mid 50s). At the moment, I really don’t have a care in the world. Life is good.

Relaxing has traditionally been a challenge for me. If I wasn’t thinking about what I should be doing, I’d be thinking about what I have done, what I have not done or what I should’ve done. Past, future… never present. So I am grateful just to be able to sit here as the letters cascade onto my iBook’s screen and just be. In reality, I’m not writing about much of anything but rather, just translating what I feel into words.

The path that delivered me to this very spot, this moment was indeed a long and winding road and not without it’s share of bumps, detours and dead-ends. As I review this endeavor which is my life thus far, I do not feel regret. I have been graced with what I may not deserve and been granted mercy in that I did not experience some of which I surely do. Life will again become a very busy place for me very shortly, but for now I can cherish this moment.

As I will the next, for it is all there is to work with. If I am not positively excited about where I am right now, I am only cheating myself. My serenity is my responsibility. This is my obligation to myself, one I did not honor or take seriously at all until I was well into my life. Perhaps it is a function of maturity or that experience at some point will bring about an awakening of the spirit. Somewhere along the way life became worth living, not again, but period.

This may come as a shock to those close to me. In fact, I could see where some may even take offense at this. My family, especially my kids might think to themselves “what am I, chopped liver?” No, you’re not. I just never quite understood what life was all about; never really knew who I was and did what I thought I was supposed to do never really understanding why. It was nobody’s fault and it sure doesn’t minimize one iota what those loved ones mean to me. Actually, my awareness allows me to appreciate them all the more.

The plain and simple fact is just this and nothing more: Unless and until I can know and accept myself in this brief instance in time and cherish it like the once in a lifetime occurrence that it is, I will find no peace. I can’t be ok tomorrow and I can’t change yesterday. But now, right now – I am at peace.


Dawner said...

I think that the serenity that you sometimes find in those instances when you are alone are really a self cure to us. Kind-of like a way of self medication that is natural and serene. I don't think that these moments to ourselve are selfish at all, even though sometimes those closest to us don't understand. I have found that most times those closest to us don't understand because they want to be the ones to soothe us. In reality it is very healthy to find this self medication so in future instances when no one is there we are safe within ourself. I have found this within me and it is my greatest strength. I don't let anyone very close to me and that is why I use this strength all the time. Great blog entry!

neal said...

Sounds like Taoist thought to me. Live for the moment and do not worry about the past or the present. Or you could call it Kharma. Even Jesus said something along the lines as to 'worry not what you will wear or eat for the lilies of the field worry not and yet they are more adorned than the temple of Soloman.' I may have screwed that quote all up but it is the thought that counts.

The whole thought process you describe to get you to where you are is all about your own personal life journey. Everyone has one and they all lead to whatever life has in store for that particular individual.

I myself seem to be following a similar path but I am still searching for a reason. That is the main thing that seems to be lacking for me. I can't decide whether my path lies in a Taoist, Bhuddist, or Christian faith. I just feel there is something missing and when I find it I will have achieved completeness.

Good post anyways...

UltimateWriter said...

I think people are afraid of solitude but it's a necessary element of life and it's a good way to get to know yourself.

Unknown said...

But--right now I am at peace.

The 'now' is ever renewed. My wish is that your peacefulness is forever renewed in the awareness of the now.

Bar L. said...

This post was very releveant to me today and I am going to ask one of my friends (who does not blog or read blogs) to please read it.

I am experiencing peace for the first time in years and it's an amazing feeling.