Although it’s been a while, there are times when I just feel out of sync. Oh yes, I’m fine. If asked, that’s my answer and I’m sticking to it. It might just be a sense of proportion, for I know this is an exciting time in my life. And I have been riding this wave for a while now. Life has been good and I take pride that in the areas where I could make the difference, I have done so - not only with tenacity I am so familiar with, but also with the consistency that I am not. All the same, today and for the past several, I have been feeling a little ill at ease and I can’t quite put my finger on it.
It would be arrogant beyond belief to say that nobody understands… that I am the only one who has ever felt this way even if I can't describe what “this way” is. But I’ll try -
Everything is pretty well caught up. Ok, that’s not entirely true, but in the very short term, things are done. There are a number of things that are looming down the road - some due to my own choices, wreckage from my past as it were - and others are simply associated with any major changes in life and lifestyle. Many unknowns and possibilities are coming up and I think it is safe to say that there is no small amount of trepidation on my part. Indeed… some of it is quite likely fear.
Graduation is only about three short months away. Until recently, I didn’t have to think too much about the future; to get my degree, the direction was pretty well defined. Sure there have been options, and choices had to be made, but they have been pretty limited and bad choices weren’t included among the options. For the last three plus years all I had to do was follow a well-defined path. Beginning in June, my path is entirely up to me and there are plenty of unknowns. It’s the real world again rushing up to greet me.
I’ve been here before. I have leapt without looking more times than I care to remember. At least this time I am far more prepared for what lies ahead. Perhaps that is part of the problem. I know enough to know what I don’t. True, I’m not jumping headfirst into an empty pool this time, but do I know how to swim? Oddly enough, the very knowledge that my degree will have bestowed upon me has me questioning whether I know what I’m doing. At the same time, I am very confident that I am capable of writing for just about anyone. So I guess I am also somewhat confused.
In the meantime, I feel disconnected in my social life as well. I think this is due to the uncertainty of what the coming months will bring. I am feeling unwilling to commit, yet I am committed. I have an incredibly close group of friends that is fairly large - almost too large… large enough to get lost in. I want to say that they just don’t understand, not because they don’t (as far as school is concerned, many of them probably don’t), but because it takes the onus off me. That way, it’s not me. But it is, and it’s important that I understand it or I will certainly place blame when there is none.
Look, my life is good. It’s better than it’s ever been - seriously. I have much to be grateful for, many friends and family to thank and, for my part, much to be proud of. Coming out of the fix I was in just a few short years ago was no small feat and there is no way I could have done it alone. Perhaps I have become just a little jaded by good fortune or maybe the relative quality of my life leaves me needing more. That is a very dangerous place, one I am all too familiar with. Writing all this out helps put things back into proportion.